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Monday, March 7, 2011

Catch Me If You Can Blogfest! -- First 500 Words of My Novel, Synesthesis


“You there!” The booming voice awakened Jade from her reverie, reaching her eardrums with the subtlety of a blunt mallet. Jade’s head immediately jolted towards the origin of the sound. “You! Where do you think you’re going?”
The large, bronzed figure towered down the street, running towards the bushes that Jade hid behind. His starched khaki outfit stayed in perfect form, but dampened with sweat as he neared the gates. “You there! I said stop!”
The officer screamed at the young man who continued to run, but the devilish creature darted just a few yards ahead. The runner's muscular features and tall silhouette was about all Jade could see of him. He dashed with purpose, and Jade nearly fell over as he rushed into the bushes parallel to her own. He crouched less just two feet away, leaving only the gate and her own sheltering shrubbery tp distance her from him. His pants and shirt were of a deep navy, and his hair was cropped close to his head. Jade felt herself panting with him, feeling his fatigue as though it were she who had been running. She squinted to try to better make him out, but the darkness of his hide-away made him nearly invisible.
Jade focused her attention on the officer, who was nearly as intriguing to watch. His face contorted in anger and annoyance as he paused to wipe the sweat from his brow. He was one of those men that lived for duty.
 “Peter! That’s not you again is it?” the patroller laughed. He flexed his muscles, perhaps for the gods to admire. “You know what happens to naughty little boys, eh? Don’t want a repeat of last time do we?”
The man crouched closer, folding against himself. He was still panting, but was clearly trying to hide the noise of his breath.
Jade's grandmother’s voice rang in her mind as the officer tapped his club against his outer thigh. “Their society is not like how ours used to be. It’s fear, it’s ignorance. They do what they’re told and don’t know any better. The simplest mistake is grounds for torture.”
Jade strained her eyes again, trying to find what didn’t want to be seen.
Wham! This time Jade really did fall backwards as the officer raised his club and slammed it down into the bushes. He missed Peter’s head by a little over a centimeter. Wham! He struck again, this time hitting Peter in the center of his back. The victim gasped inward, sucking all of the air in between his tongue and teeth. The officer paused. Jade bit her tongue.
“Okay…” The voice was weaker than Jade had imagined it would be. “Okay, I’m coming. I’m coming.”
The officer smiled as Peter reached his arm out in front of him and gradually exited the bushes. Jade was surprised he was even able to walk. There were two gaps in the brush where the officer’s club had struck.
“So it is you Peter. Well, well…I should’ve figured as much.”

9 comments:

  1. I'd read on for sure! There were a couple of places where I got lost in the action, flipping between the character hiding spots, but it definitely caught my attention!

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  2. Hey! What happens next? ;)

    Nice job.

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  3. Oh, very interesting! I definitely want to know what is going on here. Good hook!

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  4. I like it, but I think that you need to be very careful distinguishing between Jade’s actions and the other actions. I think identifying Jade as female first might help a lot of the confusion I was having in the action, also identifying Peter will help with that. But overall I really liked it. I’m intrigued for sure.

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  5. Great stuff, Gina. A very thrilling beginning. You've convinced me - I wanna be a beta reader! :-)

    Email me at callyjackson at gmail dot com.

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  6. I am now officially beyond thrilled that I'm a beta reader for this book! I'm hooked! :D

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  7. I just gave you a couple of blog awards over at my place :)

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